SEX IS...?
I addressed a group of men at a local church. The topic:
“Male Sexuality and the modern day Rat Race”
I started the discussion by asking them to spontaneously complete the sentence: “Sex is ......”
They initially elevated the question to a spiritual/moral level.
• A God given gift
• A moral responsibility
• A temptation
• Holy
This discussion soon changed to “juicy” then “fun”, “enjoyable”, “slippery” and “sensual”. Lastly there was a third level. The core of my being:
• A challenge
• Complicated
• Problematic
It is a well-known fact that a condition called “General Sexual Dysfunction” (GSD) is the most commonly diagnosed sexual dysfunction clinicians and sexologist deal with today (20- 30 years ago it was frigidity, a female condition).
General Sexual Dysfunction is a male condition. In ordinary language it means: “Men struggle to “get it up” and to get it up as frequently as they would like to”. The reasons for this: A stressful lifestyle, burnout and general busyness. Medication taken for modern day stress related conditions also impact on male virility.
Viagra, Cialis and other aphrodisiacs are often seen as a shortcut and an easy way out to improve things. An interesting fact is that Viagra is mostly used by younger men and is seen as a recreational drug.
Question: Is it really healing and addressing the core of the problem?
Sex in my opinion is predominantly about the relationship and is heavily influenced by lifestyle and stress. We live in a time where “Speed has become God”. Do more and more and do it faster. Worries about safety and cost of living all contribute to this as well. An already over-stretched coping system. End result - naked stress = GSD
All of the above result in other problems. One of the most common is “addiction to pornography”. This is an easy escape into an unreal world where people experience non-demanding and uncomplicated pleasure. (But more about this in a future article)
Sex is not only physical. Personally I would prefer to call it “Making love. Sex to really become all it CAN BE, need to be anchored in a healthy open and growing relationship. It is a place where people meet each other with “naked honesty”, a place of intimacy, extreme trust and of sharing ourselves and becoming ONE. Only then does it becomes “MAGIC”
In this context the statement “Sex is holy” is true. It is not just a physical connection, but also spiritual and emotional. At times it is extremely playful, frivolous, sensual and juicy and couples should invest in never losing this side of their relationship. (Also known as one of the most important anchors in the relationship)
Sex also has other dimensions. If people bring themselves as integrated human beings with clarity on their personal purpose and values into the relationship, it will make the connection even more powerful. The interaction will be real; partners where will claim responsibility for their own needs and wants whilst still remaining sensitive to the needs of their partners. If they can develop and embrace a common value system (the psychological software we all run on) and combine it with love, respect and trust, it will be reflected in their behaviour in and outside the bedroom. This sounds idealistic yet it is attainable!
We must also appreciate that we as human beings go through different development phases as adults and from time to time experience some personal crisis and transitions. No individual or relationship is ever stagnant and it is easy to grow away from each other. That is why we need to invest in talking, sharing and being clear about our future dreams.
As individuals and as couples we need to discover our Personal GPS “Where are we on our way to and how will we get there? “
Look forward to receiving your question/s
Johan Greeff
Clinical Psychologist
Master OD Practitioner and Life Coach
Phone: +27 12 666 8093
Email: [email protected]
“Male Sexuality and the modern day Rat Race”
I started the discussion by asking them to spontaneously complete the sentence: “Sex is ......”
They initially elevated the question to a spiritual/moral level.
• A God given gift
• A moral responsibility
• A temptation
• Holy
This discussion soon changed to “juicy” then “fun”, “enjoyable”, “slippery” and “sensual”. Lastly there was a third level. The core of my being:
• A challenge
• Complicated
• Problematic
It is a well-known fact that a condition called “General Sexual Dysfunction” (GSD) is the most commonly diagnosed sexual dysfunction clinicians and sexologist deal with today (20- 30 years ago it was frigidity, a female condition).
General Sexual Dysfunction is a male condition. In ordinary language it means: “Men struggle to “get it up” and to get it up as frequently as they would like to”. The reasons for this: A stressful lifestyle, burnout and general busyness. Medication taken for modern day stress related conditions also impact on male virility.
Viagra, Cialis and other aphrodisiacs are often seen as a shortcut and an easy way out to improve things. An interesting fact is that Viagra is mostly used by younger men and is seen as a recreational drug.
Question: Is it really healing and addressing the core of the problem?
Sex in my opinion is predominantly about the relationship and is heavily influenced by lifestyle and stress. We live in a time where “Speed has become God”. Do more and more and do it faster. Worries about safety and cost of living all contribute to this as well. An already over-stretched coping system. End result - naked stress = GSD
All of the above result in other problems. One of the most common is “addiction to pornography”. This is an easy escape into an unreal world where people experience non-demanding and uncomplicated pleasure. (But more about this in a future article)
Sex is not only physical. Personally I would prefer to call it “Making love. Sex to really become all it CAN BE, need to be anchored in a healthy open and growing relationship. It is a place where people meet each other with “naked honesty”, a place of intimacy, extreme trust and of sharing ourselves and becoming ONE. Only then does it becomes “MAGIC”
In this context the statement “Sex is holy” is true. It is not just a physical connection, but also spiritual and emotional. At times it is extremely playful, frivolous, sensual and juicy and couples should invest in never losing this side of their relationship. (Also known as one of the most important anchors in the relationship)
Sex also has other dimensions. If people bring themselves as integrated human beings with clarity on their personal purpose and values into the relationship, it will make the connection even more powerful. The interaction will be real; partners where will claim responsibility for their own needs and wants whilst still remaining sensitive to the needs of their partners. If they can develop and embrace a common value system (the psychological software we all run on) and combine it with love, respect and trust, it will be reflected in their behaviour in and outside the bedroom. This sounds idealistic yet it is attainable!
We must also appreciate that we as human beings go through different development phases as adults and from time to time experience some personal crisis and transitions. No individual or relationship is ever stagnant and it is easy to grow away from each other. That is why we need to invest in talking, sharing and being clear about our future dreams.
As individuals and as couples we need to discover our Personal GPS “Where are we on our way to and how will we get there? “
Look forward to receiving your question/s
Johan Greeff
Clinical Psychologist
Master OD Practitioner and Life Coach
Phone: +27 12 666 8093
Email: [email protected]
THE ART AND CRAFT OF CAREER GUIDANCE AND MANAGEMENT ©
If some older people hear the term “Career Guidance”, they recall memories of the most boring subject they had at school. The term also creates some feelings of apprehension from younger people as from a young age we are peppered with the question “What are you going to be one day?” or “What do you want to become?” (Maybe the more important question should be “How do you want to live one day?”) ; Yet no one can get away from it. Choosing a career is one of the most important and most difficult decisions we ever have to make in life. Getting it right is an art (requires creativity and luck) and a craft (hard work). We must remember that we spend half of our waking lives as adults in our place of work; so if you get it wrong life is not as happy and as meaningful as it can be.
From a personal and practical perspective: career guidance means “getting help from objective professionals” (it helps you to make better decisions but it remains a personal responsibility). To do this well we first need to understand the foundational dynamics involved in career choices. Once we’ve succeeded we then have to further anticipate that it is something that evolves through life and that we often will arrive at career crossroads.
Foundational Career Dynamic
Finding your career ‘sweet spot’ is about integrating the three key ingredients:
These SMARTS can be compared to the engine of a motor car. It is the driving force that provides power and tells something about our potential performance. Our results in school subjects also provide an indication of our unique SMARTS. It is important to remember that:
- Most of us have two or three SMARTS and that we are defined by these. Remember that you are defined by what you have and need to learn to play to them
- Some fortunate people have more, but this can often become a burden as it complicates career choices.
People with more SMARTS have the problem that virtually everything they touch can potentially turn into gold and it thus creates confusion.
- Every person’s engine differs in size, power and output.
Finally, it makes no sense to compare ourselves with other people, but it is more important to understand our unique talents.
2. PERSONALITY
We all have a unique personality, but in career choices we need to consider its impacts:
o Are you an introvert or extrovert?
o Are you a ‘thinking’ ‘feeling’ person or action-orientated person?
o Are you self-sufficient and individualistic or more of a team player?
o Do you see life as black or white, judgemental (or is everything grey- more perceptive)?
o What is your self-image and self-talk like? This influences your confidence which impacts on your assertiveness.
Then we can compare personality with a metaphoric car’s body. Are you an SUV, a passenger car, a sports car, a minibus or a bakkie?” It is critical for us to understand our own personality and to live authentically into it. Yoshikawa, the CEO of Samung said: “A person who does not know himself can be of no use to anybody else”
3. INTEREST
CAREER CROSSROADS
Crossroad 1: Subject Choices (Age 15 – 17)
Crossroad 2: Pulling up the Roots (Age 19 – 21)
Post Matric: Individuals are now ready to build their future dreams and enter into the necessary studies. The interest s are now more crystallised and will become the passion that drives behaviour. With late maturer’s and also limited exposure, individuals often find their answer by knowing “what not to do”. Often after a year or two at university, they discover that their career of choice is “not them” and then enter into a totally new direction. Having a GAP year makes sense. Hitting the jackpot the first time is often the result of luck. Individuals now dream about their future career, family and life.
Crossroad 3: The Dawning of Reality (Age 28 – 32)
The 20’s are our most idealistic years. As we approach 30 we are entering the most difficult passage in life. Individuals discover a new reality. Their dream careers have just become a job; their marriages – a place of responsibility and commitment; having a family is hard work. Life is not as romantic as we envisaged. It is hard work and making ends meet - a responsibility and challenge. Interest, motivation and personality result in us having to face ourselves in the mirror. In career terms, individuals often make a dramatic u-turn and enter into something that is more of a calling. Those who are not brave enough end up with a job that becomes a ‘ball and chain”. For most people it fortunately only involves tweaking their careers slightly.
Crossroad 4: The Deadline Decade (Ages 38 – 42)
As we hit 35, people suddenly feel that they must make it at 40. They pour everything into their careers and start neglecting themselves and often their intimate relationships. Most of us arrive at 40 and are faced with crossroads: “Do I want to stay a professional or become a manager, managing myself or managing bigger teams?” Being a leader requires a new skills set. Often an imbalance between work and life results in people being successful in their careers but not in life. We tend to suffer from ‘hurry sickness’ and people are often ready for a well deserved heart attack. Professional coaching and guidance at this stage is important.
Crossroad 5: Winning the Game of Life (Age 55 – 65)
The idea of retiring at 60 is long gone. Individuals arrive at this point in life with the gifts of wisdom, ample experience and enough energy to make a real difference. This is a period for self actualisation. A well known author Carl Jasper said “We have not finished our task in life if we have not mentored younger people”.The choice – go and sit at home and wait for death or step into the role of ‘wise elder’. For a lot of people it unfortunately implies continuing to make ends meet in whatever way possible.
CONCLUSION
A final few thoughts:
I agree with Kahlil Gibran: “Work should be a place where you can bring your gifts and where you can express your love for life”
Johan Greeff
Clinical Psychologist
Master OD Practitioner and Life Coach
Phone: +27 12 666 8093
Email: [email protected]
From a personal and practical perspective: career guidance means “getting help from objective professionals” (it helps you to make better decisions but it remains a personal responsibility). To do this well we first need to understand the foundational dynamics involved in career choices. Once we’ve succeeded we then have to further anticipate that it is something that evolves through life and that we often will arrive at career crossroads.
Foundational Career Dynamic
Finding your career ‘sweet spot’ is about integrating the three key ingredients:
- IQ (Intelligence or SMARTS)
- Your personality
- Your unique interest
- IQ (Intelligence or SMARTS)
- We get different SMARTS i.e.
- Musical
- Logic and Mathematical
- Interpersonal
- Body kinaesthetic
- Language
- Spatial
- Self
- Nature
- Animal
- Spiritual
- Emotional
- Social
These SMARTS can be compared to the engine of a motor car. It is the driving force that provides power and tells something about our potential performance. Our results in school subjects also provide an indication of our unique SMARTS. It is important to remember that:
- Most of us have two or three SMARTS and that we are defined by these. Remember that you are defined by what you have and need to learn to play to them
- Some fortunate people have more, but this can often become a burden as it complicates career choices.
People with more SMARTS have the problem that virtually everything they touch can potentially turn into gold and it thus creates confusion.
- Every person’s engine differs in size, power and output.
- Is this a small high performance engine?
- Is it a powerful engine that is turbo charged?
- Will this fit better into a bus, family car or racing car?
Finally, it makes no sense to compare ourselves with other people, but it is more important to understand our unique talents.
2. PERSONALITY
We all have a unique personality, but in career choices we need to consider its impacts:
o Are you an introvert or extrovert?
o Are you a ‘thinking’ ‘feeling’ person or action-orientated person?
o Are you self-sufficient and individualistic or more of a team player?
o Do you see life as black or white, judgemental (or is everything grey- more perceptive)?
o What is your self-image and self-talk like? This influences your confidence which impacts on your assertiveness.
Then we can compare personality with a metaphoric car’s body. Are you an SUV, a passenger car, a sports car, a minibus or a bakkie?” It is critical for us to understand our own personality and to live authentically into it. Yoshikawa, the CEO of Samung said: “A person who does not know himself can be of no use to anybody else”
3. INTEREST
- Interest is the most important determinant of success. This is where our passion and our drive come from. It is our inquisitiveness and willingness to be engaged with the subject that we derive immense joy from. It fires up our spirit and can include aspects like art, animals, sport, achievement, challenge, entertainment, technology, music, nature, being of service etc.
- The main problem is that interest only gets crystallised and finalised in our early 20’s; yet we are required to make subject and career choices in grade 10 and 11 and when we enter into university these choices are strongly influenced by fads, romantic dreams, teachers, peer pressure and parents. We have limited exposure to real life.
- In our car example it is the steering wheel, the suspension and the tyres. In Formulate 1 tyre choices often win the race. In what direction do you need to go? On what surface, the freeway, off-road etc?
- Making the right choice is a process and it helps to get professional input.
CAREER CROSSROADS
Crossroad 1: Subject Choices (Age 15 – 17)
- Choosing the right subjects for Grade 10, 11&12 is critical as it can open or close certain doors. Decisions we make here can have an influence on the rest of our lives. Past performance and ability are important pointers. However choices can also be strongly influenced by parents, teachers, peer pressure and certain fads.
- We therefore recommend that you get professional assistance and with the appropriate psychometrics important answers can be found. This is a sound investment.
Crossroad 2: Pulling up the Roots (Age 19 – 21)
Post Matric: Individuals are now ready to build their future dreams and enter into the necessary studies. The interest s are now more crystallised and will become the passion that drives behaviour. With late maturer’s and also limited exposure, individuals often find their answer by knowing “what not to do”. Often after a year or two at university, they discover that their career of choice is “not them” and then enter into a totally new direction. Having a GAP year makes sense. Hitting the jackpot the first time is often the result of luck. Individuals now dream about their future career, family and life.
Crossroad 3: The Dawning of Reality (Age 28 – 32)
The 20’s are our most idealistic years. As we approach 30 we are entering the most difficult passage in life. Individuals discover a new reality. Their dream careers have just become a job; their marriages – a place of responsibility and commitment; having a family is hard work. Life is not as romantic as we envisaged. It is hard work and making ends meet - a responsibility and challenge. Interest, motivation and personality result in us having to face ourselves in the mirror. In career terms, individuals often make a dramatic u-turn and enter into something that is more of a calling. Those who are not brave enough end up with a job that becomes a ‘ball and chain”. For most people it fortunately only involves tweaking their careers slightly.
Crossroad 4: The Deadline Decade (Ages 38 – 42)
As we hit 35, people suddenly feel that they must make it at 40. They pour everything into their careers and start neglecting themselves and often their intimate relationships. Most of us arrive at 40 and are faced with crossroads: “Do I want to stay a professional or become a manager, managing myself or managing bigger teams?” Being a leader requires a new skills set. Often an imbalance between work and life results in people being successful in their careers but not in life. We tend to suffer from ‘hurry sickness’ and people are often ready for a well deserved heart attack. Professional coaching and guidance at this stage is important.
Crossroad 5: Winning the Game of Life (Age 55 – 65)
The idea of retiring at 60 is long gone. Individuals arrive at this point in life with the gifts of wisdom, ample experience and enough energy to make a real difference. This is a period for self actualisation. A well known author Carl Jasper said “We have not finished our task in life if we have not mentored younger people”.The choice – go and sit at home and wait for death or step into the role of ‘wise elder’. For a lot of people it unfortunately implies continuing to make ends meet in whatever way possible.
CONCLUSION
A final few thoughts:
- Appreciate that managing your career and life is your responsibility.
- You can only do this if you face yourself in the mirror with honesty and integrity. See and understand yourself and where you find yourself in life.
- Seeking professional advice and guidance at crossroads and turning points makes sense.
- Commit and be prepared to make the tough decisions that life asks of you. Appreciate that each of these decisions comes with certain risks.
- Be aware of them and live them.
- You are the Captain of your own ship and your career does not need to be a ‘ball and chain’. Find the courage to live the career questions you are faced with.
- In the words of a Coke Executive “Life is about juggling many balls; work is a rubber ball; family is a glass ball”. Take good care of it.
I agree with Kahlil Gibran: “Work should be a place where you can bring your gifts and where you can express your love for life”
Johan Greeff
Clinical Psychologist
Master OD Practitioner and Life Coach
Phone: +27 12 666 8093
Email: [email protected]